CLEVELAND, Ohio — Myles Garrett saw the fans hugging and heard them cheering his name. He tasted the victory swirling through Cleveland Browns stadium and recognized the chance to celebrate alongside his teammates.
But after Garrett’s Browns clinched a playoff spot with Thursday’s 37-20 win over the Jets, his mind drifted elsewhere. He thought of grief, his family, his late uncle. On the happiest night of Cleveland’s season, its biggest star felt pain.
Garrett lost his mother’s brother earlier this week, and he’s still processing the news. Chris Johnson died Christmas night, and Garrett learned the next morning. From then on, Cleveland’s star pass rusher has suffered headaches and struggled to focus because, in his own words:
“ … I don’t know how to handle it emotionally,” Garrett said Thursday night. “It just comes out in different ways, just pains. “I feel like sometimes (I am) in a fog.”
For those in Garrett’s position, the fog hangs thick this time of year. While the fortunate laugh with their families, the wounded lament jokes told best by a relative missed. The lesson at hand, we’re often told, is to treasure every memory formed, because who knows how many remain. But the lesson at hand is hard to follow, because who wants to think about death or grief, especially during the holidays?
Watching Garrett on Thursday, however, you couldn’t avoid the topic. As he trotted off the field in stoic victory, you saw joy missing from his eyes. As he talked to the press afterward, you saw him averting their gaze at several moments. In the words he spoke, you heard the strife between one fight for a playoff spot and another for peace amid tragedy.
“It felt good; it felt good.” Garrett said when asked about clinching the playoffs. “I’ve got a lot on my mind. I’ve been dealing with some things that I really haven’t been able to sit down and contemplate or almost even accept.”
He’s contemplating Johnson, his mother’s brother, whom he called C.J. Garrett recalled C.J. sitting on the couch at Thanksgiving, having fun, laughing, “being his regular self.” In the next breath, Garrett recalled hearing the bad news from his brother earlier this week.
“I couldn’t believe it,” he said. “It’s still hard to believe.”
Two days later, Garrett had to play a football game. He considered flying home to help Mom — “I love the Browns, but I’ve only got one mom,” he said — even left the choice up to her. But Mom knew Garrett wanted to help his teammates achieve their goal after all they’d been through together.
Remember: This Browns season has been built on resiliency. Cleveland has won 11 games despite a pile of injuries that would’ve sunk most other teams, overcoming those challenges added fulfillment to Cleveland’s playoff-clinching win. Garrett wanted to embody that spirit.
But as the Browns (and their fans) celebrated accordingly, Cleveland’s superstar found himself distracted. He was thinking about C.J., his mom, his grief. And he’s explaining his plight for two reasons.
First, “I think getting it off my chest is the best medicine,” Garrett said. He, like his dad, tends to “bunker in” his emotions, and he knows it isn’t healthy.
Second: “… I also don’t want my teammates, if they saw me walking off the field, to feel like I wasn’t proud or happy of what we accomplished and achieved tonight,” Garrett said. “It’s not indicative of how I truly feel. I love this moment and how far we’ve come and how far we plan to go.”
Even if he can’t show it right now. As Garrett exited the press room Thursday night, a few lingering fans greeted him with more cheers and chants. They waived to him as he walked by, and he waived back. Then he disappeared down a stadium corridor which led him toward Cleveland’s joyous playoff party and the fog that won’t let him partake.
“Sometimes you’ve got to put on a little bit of a mask even though you don’t want to,” Garrett said. “I’m happy for my teammates, and that’s honest and true and that’ll always be how I feel because this team, it’s unlike any other. I’m always proud to be around and be part of a special organization. But I know that feeling how I feel, it doesn’t feel right without CJ here. Even though he’s watching, it’s just a little bit different. It’s not the same.”